Suburban Kamikaze

A valentine for whoever keeps sabotoging Sarah Palin's delusion that she is ready for more responsibility

This can't be accidental. The woman has advisers, right? Political consultants, public relations people, friends?

So who is it who allows this woman to take the national stage with a tattoo on her hand that says whatever you do, don't take me seriously... ? Or words to that effect.

Because if you are Sarah Palin - an ambitious woman whose chief, and possibly insurmountable political liability is that she comes off in public as not very bright - writing stuff on your hand as a crib sheet for a question and answer session is NOT AN OPTION.

And don't misunderstand me: one of my closest friends is a woman who happens to write stuff on her hand. We don't even let her be president of our playgroup. I am just kidding. Our playgroup never even had a president. It was more of a parliamentary system...

Anyway, my point is this: there is nothing wrong with working from notes, even notes on your hand if that's what you prefer. Unless you are Sarah Palin. This is so glaringly obvious that even the dumbest marketing intern working in the office of whoever came up with the new Dockers campaign could not fail to see it.

It has to be deliberate.

Someone in her posse is trying to save frustrated tea-drinking conservatives from their most desperate impulses. Roses are red, violets are blue, I can't think of any other explanation, can you?

A Valentine for Jenny Sanford

For her game-changing performance as the politician's woman scorned, South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford has us fawning in admiration.

Not only does she manage to castrate her creepy, lying Appalachian Trail hiking, soon-to-be-ex husband Governor Mark Sanford in a memoir The New York Times calls an "elegant evisceration" - she does it without ever seeming to relinquish the high ground.

Why expose the father of her children as a "laughably cheap, self-absorbed, soulless, cheating, first-class jerk?" asks a reporter.  Because he's a laughably cheap, self-absorbed, soulless, cheating, first-class jerk?  

But Jenny merely looks puzzled. "It's not the book that put him in a bad light," she says.

And later in the interview there is this:  "He didn't have a lot of experience courting women, let's just say."  Take note Mrs. Spitzer: a kick in the cojones doesn't get any more elegant than that. 

Of course, as campaign manager for Mark Sanford's three congressional and first gubernatorial elections, Jenny Sanford does have to answer for her role in foisting this guy upon the citizens of South Carolina.  But if this book is half as entertaining as it looks, they might be willing to forgive her.

Photo: Roses are red, violets are blue... the best revenge is in hardback at a bookstore near you.

Andromeda strain

Here we are just barely having escaped from last weekend's Emergency Parenting Quest, (the so-called "hoodie shortage") and another round of deadlines and adventure is upon us.

This one, as in so many EPQs, arises out of one of those inspired lesson plans in which teachers pretend not to realize that Dress Like a Character from History/Literature/Greek Mythology Day is really just Homework for Parents. (And who do we think we are kidding here with our use of the gender-neutral "parents"?)  

Thankfully, this assignment falls during a week in which, except for the Clarinet Supply Checklist, Competitive Baton and Pom Pom Twirling class registration, Class Schedule Change permission slip, 450-page Math and Science Academy application, freshman English composition editing, Emergency Lunchroom Account Replenishment and an orthodontist appointment, I am relatively free.

Even so, there is no time to waste. We have less than a week in which to assemble an Andromeda costume for the sixth-grader's Greek Mythology Character day.

The Princess Andromeda, I learn from my lazy googling, is best known for having almost been eaten by a sea monster sent to punish her mother for bragging that she was hotter than the sea nymphs. 

Andromeda is chained to a rock and offered up as a snack in hopes of appeasing Poseidon, who was really irritated by a mortal suggesting that she was even in the same league as a sea goddess. Oh no, you di'nt.  At the last minute, she is rescued by a big strong man, they go on to have many children and she spends the rest of her life filling out permission slips and driving to soccer practice.

Not necessarily the most inspiring character in Greek mythology. But this is going to be the easiest costume ever.

 

Andromeda by Sir Edward Poynter (left) and Gustave Doré (right).

Live, love, laugh, but it is better if you do it in low lighting

CoverGirl and Olay want to know:  Tell us what you do to live agelessly!

People are always asking me how I manage to stay so youngish and vibrant well into what should rightfully be my declining years, if I were not one of those hateful skinny bitches with a personal trainer and a calendar full of salon visits.

At the lavish birthday parties I force my friends to organize for me every year, I am frequently accused of aging backwards, as if that were even possible! 

I laugh and open the gift certificates for expensive spa and beauty treatments that I have asked them to bring and say "I don't know what you are talking about! Just the other day, I thought I saw a gray hair!"

But when they insist on knowing my secrets, I tell them:

Live, love, laugh; do not concern yourself with age! After all, you are only as old as your last birthday and it won't be long before things like that are going to slip your mind anyway, along with the location of your car keys and the names of your neighbors. I am just kidding, I say. I crack myself up. Which may explain some of those little lines around my eyes...

Seriously, I say, the important thing is...  Then I go through a list of cross-stitch platitudes about wisdom and fine wine and agelessness, all of which is meant to convey the idea that age is really just an attitude that has nothing to do with whether CoverGirl's Simply Ageless concealer does or does not settle into the fine lines and wrinkles across your ageless face.

Because agelessness is kind of a mixed message when you think about it.

Photo: A tiara and a scowl add a little glow to any makeup routine. You're welcome.

Tick tock on the clock but the party don't stop, no. Whoa oh oh. Woah-oh-oh.

 
In other news, the stuff under my couch now includes an all-you-can-eat popcorn buffet.

Makers of legal pads, scouring pads, launchpads and Thai noodle dish belatedly embarrassed by inadvertent allusion to feminine hygiene products

Rebranding considered for popular noodle dish.   

Photo: Shrimp Pad Thai by starportfoods.com

Stocks rally to reports of sixth grader's birthday repeat

You only turn 12 once.

But if you play your MasterCards right, you can keep the celebration going for months.

No one knows this better than the girl we call McGallon. (First, because it rhymes, and later because we discover that she can eat an entire carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream in one sitting.)

McGallon's birthday begins around Christmas and ends by Valentine's Day if we are lucky. How she accomplishes this is never really clear until it is over and we arrive exhausted and bankrupt at her plans for spring break.

This year's birthday begins on schedule with the Christmas shopping. 

McGallon helpfully identifies items that members of the family might want to consider for her upcoming birthday, since it falls only a month after Christmas.

Afterward, she pretends not to be paying attention so we can surreptitiously buy them with the understanding that they will be put away until January.

These gifts are opened at Christmas.

A new birthday list is proposed by New Year's. I do not understand exactly how this happens, year after year. (In my defense, I can only plead a recurring fantasy of time management.)

But it is the party planning that really tends to spiral out of control.

Unless firm limits are established early and often, McGallon has a tendency to dream big. Her idea of the perfect birthday party? Think Tyco.

This year, I propose an alternative to recreating Dennis Kozlowski's birthday bash. How about flying her best friend up from Fort Lauderdale for a girls' weekend instead of a party? A great idea, right? Easy. Elegant, almost, in its simplicity. She agrees immediately.

She is the most agreeable child ever.  The girls have a great time. McGallon begins planning a birthday party before her friend's return flight has even left the airport.

There will still be cake, right?

"Well of course," I say.  "I will make you a cake."  ($1.99)

An ice cream cake, she says. With a theme.

"Sure," I say.  An ice cream cake.  ($28)

Could a couple of girls come over to have cake?  Well, I think, we can't eat a $28 ice cream cake by ourselves, can we? But that's it. An ice cream cake, a couple of girls. No one stays longer than it takes to eat cake.

A movie? she asks. Could we watch a movie?

All right, I say.  But no sleepovers. 

Balloons? There were balloons for her brother's birthday. He didn't want them. How does that count?  He only wanted cash. I bought the balloons to make it seem less like a transaction. The balloons were for me, when you think about it. 

She has already thought about it. She thinks balloons would be nice.

Fine, I say. But  no ice sculptures. I mean it.

Photo: A girl of simple tastes.

Can you tell me how to get back to Sesame Street?

The teen-ager known as Boy, Esq. celebrates his 15th birthday today. It is remarkable really, considering how many of our friends had bet against us surviving the honeymoon, let alone managing to raise a child to maturity.

It is apparently not necessary to know what you are doing in this regard. It just works out.

One day he is sitting there glaring at you in his Sesame Street t-shirt and Thomas the Tank Engine underwear and the next thing you know he is glaring at you over the pool table, a handsome boy with a wicked bank shot, who still does not like to have his picture taken, but whose mother has learned to shoot fast and ask questions later.

He still can not make toast or remember which day to take the garbage out, but walking, talking, reading, tying his shoes, riding a bike and sinking the eight ball in the corner pocket? We're taking credit.  We also accept cash.

 

Heartland Horoscope

"Midwesterners make the best of any situation. It's just in our nature." -  From the Chicago Tribune's 365-part series:  We Are the Best People Anywhere and Not Just Because of Our Humility

You Born Today (or on any other day in any part of the 12-state region that includes Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota and Wisconsin), are predisposed to make the best of any situation. It is part of your nature. Not like those flighty, preening, whiners on the coasts or in any of the other 38 states where people cannot be trusted. Today is a good day to just go about your life with the steady, uncomplaining humility that makes the region's 66 million people so gosh darn unique. Make the best of things.  Write a book, run for office, invite some people over for dinner.   

Others who share your horoscope: James Frey, Rod Blagojevich, Jeffrey Dahmer

Silence of the moms: Why I am pretty sure my BFF has to shut up now about the time I allowed my fourth grader to read some serial killer fiction, which, in my defense, was a pretty good piece of writing for its genre

Because at least I didn't buy my middle-school-age daughter a t-shirt that spells out "hot."

As far as I know, anyway. I didn't even notice her daughter's shirt spelled out "hot" until I looked at the picture a day later. Look how cleverly it's disguised. Some letters are one color. Some letters are another color. Really, how was she supposed to even notice something like that? What else are they hiding? Next thing you know they'll be using a whole separate language to spell out stuff in code behind our backs.  OMG  we r in big trbl.

Or at least she is. My daughter is well in hand.  Hear me whistling?  Help.

Like buttah

A long weekend with the Whimsy Twins has ended without plumbing disasters, furniture casualties or major misadventures of any kind. Whew.

For those of you keeping count, the tally of Big Ideas Gone Wrong for the duo stands at fivish; hamster ping-pong, decorating with vaseline, putting the "pool" in pool table, the inedible cookie dough sale, and the Incredible Journey.  I may be forgetting something...

Their latest collaboration, however, was plot free and smooth as butter.

The girl and her BFF/co-conspirator spend three days baking their way through Martha Stewart's Cooking With Every Ounce of Butter in Your Zip Code. (Clarkson Potter Publishers, $24.99 - not including butter.)

Would anyone like a cupcake? I have 350 of them.

Photos from top, clockwise: plotting as tots; taking over the newsroom in 2007; Ice cream cone cupcakes with butter cream icing; buttermilk cupcakes with butter cream icing. Oink. 

 

Dockers to introduce khakis with gun belts

"Once upon a time, men wore the pants. Men took charge because that's what they did." --Levi Strauss & Co. "Wear the Pants" campaign.

This is no time for cappuccino: Cities are crumbling, children are misbehaving and old ladies remain on one side of the street.  

Thank god someone has the balls to step up. And we're not talking metaphorical balls here. 

Because metaphors are for pussies. And Calvin Klein is not going to untie you from the railroad tracks.

We're talking about Levi Strauss & Co., whose new ad campaign for Dockers-brand pants champions the power of disaffected homophobic misogynists to save us from a world gone mad for salad and coffee drinks. If only they had the right pants. In nine new colors.

Levi Strauss global marketing skirt Jennifer Sey tells Brandweek what is at stake: Men, she says, are suffering from declining testosterone levels, a disproportionate share of job losses and confusion about their waxing options.   

"This led us to the idea of an ad campaign encouraging men to put women, homosexuals and anyone else who stood in the way of pure, unadulterated patriarchy back in their place.  Also, khakis with gun belts."

Photo:  Confused about his pants options.